My name is Andrea. I am 25 years old and
a recovered anorexic and bulimic. I am Austrian, married
to a wonderful Canadian and am currently living in British
Columbia, Canada. I struggled with eating disorders
for six long years and have finally overcome these deadly
diseases - and this is my story…
While
I was growing up, food and weight were not
a problem for me. I come from a very active and health-oriented
family and never had to worry about my weight. Almost every weekend my parents
would take my siblings and me walking, hiking, biking, skiing or on a sightseeing
trip to a gorgeous place somewhere in Austria. I like thinking about my childhood,
it was a wonderful time and thinking about it creates a warm feeling inside of
my. Even now, while I am writing this, I have a smile on my face and a tear of
joy in my eyes.
When I was about thirteen years old, someone said to me
that my smile was ugly, that my face looked weird when I smiled and then she started
to laugh. She said this in front of other people. I was very confused; I did not
know what to say and I blushed. I had never paid much attention to my smile until
that day. When I came home from school, I looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled.
I looked at my smile at different angles. I stared at myself for hours and came
to the conclusion that this girl was right: My smile was ugly! I looked ugly when
I smiled. And on this day I decided not to smile anymore. For years I did not
smile. When I look at the pictures that were taken during this time I never smile.
This happened about three years before my eating disorder developed but it was
the first step towards disliking and hating my face and eventually my body.
My
relationship with food and weight changed when I was about sixteen years old.
From this point on, the way I looked became very important and over time turned
into a serious problem which would eventually turn into an eating disorder. I
began experimenting with diets - but I was still in control of my eating habits.
At this point, I didn't even know what an eating disorder was. I don't know exactly
when my eating disorder started and my dieting ended… I just slipped into it.
My
best friend back then was a very gorgeous girl. In my eyes, she had it all - a
beautiful face, a slim and tone body and an open personality. She was just amazing
and perfect in my eyes. I couldn't stop comparing myself with her. She was everything
I was not - at least that's what I thought. When I compared myself with her I
felt worthless and ugly. I felt unseen. Invisible.
After graduating at the
age of 18, I went to university. My former best friend and I went separate ways
but the idea of me not being beautiful was still stuck in my head. And it was
at this point that my eating disorder started to take complete control over my
life, as well.
I started binging in order to try and fill the emptiness
inside of me - though I never threw up. I wanted to so much, but for some reason
I wasn't able to make myself throw up. I guess I was scared of it in a way. Instead,
I would use other methods to get rid of the food and the calories quickly. I would
eat till my stomach started to ache. I felt disgusted by myself and what I was
doing. I was very ashamed and embarrassed of my behaviour. For the longest time
I did not tell anyone about my problem and struggled on my own, secretly and in
silence.
Unfortunately, my eating disorder didn't stop there. Not only did
it change my relationship with food and weight - it started taking control over
my social life as well. I didn't go out for a coffee, lunch or dinner with my
friends anymore. I felt uncomfortable eating in front of other people. I didn't
want anyone to force me to eat. I was terrified by the thought of gaining weight.
I also feared that they would notice what was going on with me. I was afraid of
them asking questions. I did not want anyone to find out what I was doing. I thought
if they knew they wouldn't like me anymore and wouldn't want to be friends with
me anymore.
While I was struggling, I was not very educated about eating
disorders. I knew some basic information but not a lot. I also had no idea about
where to get useful information about eating disorders, where to turn for help
- I was too shy to ask. I thought that one has to be either extremely skinny or
extremely heavy in order to be taken seriously. But I was never extremely skinny
or extremely heavy. My weight was always somewhere in the normal healthy weight
range. And don't people with eating disorder have to be one of those extremes?
I felt lost, confused and thought I was the only one who had this problem.
I
eventually started reading eating disorder books, but nothing helped me. None
of what I was reading was able to get through to me and make me stop what I was
doing. And what was I doing? I was ruining not only my mind and health, I was
ruining my life. I was hurting not only myself but also the people around me.
Many nights I would cry myself to sleep, wondering if I was ever going to recover.
I always had a very close relationship with my parents but my eating disorder
forced me to move away from them. I became very reserved and quiet. I think they
knew what was going on, and hoped that I would talk to them so they could support
and help me. Sometimes I wanted to tell them what was going on, I wanted to be
taken in their arms, wanted to feel that I was loved no matter what. I thought
about talking to them for months but I was never sure of what to say.
I
eventually opened up to my mum. I gave her a book about how to deal with someone
who struggles with an eating disorder, and I wrote a letter to her as well. I
could see how relieved she was that I finally opened up to her, and she took me
in her arms. I was crying a lot on that day but I was glad I told her.
My
eating disorder didn't get better after the conversation I had with my mum, but
at least I knew now that I had someone to talk to when I needed help and support.
I started reading stories and poems of former sufferers who managed to
recover. Their writings gave me hope, strength, comfort and much needed support.
I felt understood. For the first time in years I felt understood. I was NOT alone
- there are others out there just like me! These stories and poems not only showed
me that recovery was possible; they showed me that recovery was possible for ME!
My
turning point was when I met a wonderful man who is now my husband. In the beginning,
I didn't tell him about my eating disorder. I was afraid that if he found out
he would leave me. When I was around him, I would eat "normal" and it felt good.
For the first time in years I felt "normal". I decided to move to Canada with
him and we moved together very quickly, which really helped me with my eating
disorder.
It took almost a year till I was ready to tell him about what
was going on with me. He hadn't even noticed and I think he was quite surprised
about it. But he supported me.
And today... I am healthy! I am a confident
woman. I smile and laugh a lot. I love myself and my life! I am thankful for my
body and grateful that it has not let me down after abusing it for many years.
My journey to recovery was difficult at times and I had setbacks. And every
time I fell, I got up again and continued on my journey. I had people in my life
who believed in me and never gave up on me… they gave me the strength and the
support I needed in order to beat this disorder. I am a survivor - and you can
be too!!!
I want you all to know that it IS possible to recover.
Please don't give up on yourself. You can get through
this! I know. I did it, and so can you! Your eating
disorder didn't just happen overnight, it started a
long time ago before you first binged - it will take
time to get better. One step at a time. Eating disorders
are not simply about food and weight but are an attempt
to use food and weight to deal with emotional problems.
Eating disorders are just the symptoms of something
deeper going on inside. You can learn to enjoy your
life again. The rewards of recovery are endless!
