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Food Is My Friend
I began to discover food as the source of life
at the age of 12. It was a love/ hate relationship. I hated
to eat because I was afraid of becoming fat and yet I had
to eat because if I didn’t I would get dizzy and get into
fights with those who supposedly cared about me.
This struggle continued from the age of 12 until
the age of 32.
I decided that the only way to get over it was
to do more. I would show everyone that I was strong and that
I could do anything. As I continued to do great things for
others, I felt good but then that good feeling went away and
I was miserable and alone. I had to decide “do I eat or not
eat’?
When I didn’t eat I felt lighter but I also
got dizzy and felt out of it. When I ate -I picked at my food
and ended up eating junk later and slept it off. I never knew
who was really my friend because there were so many people
who treated me badly, teased me, I felt as though my life
was a joke.
There were points when I decided that I could
kick this -I was determined. I realized how miserable I was
and decided that I had to do something to change that -so
I discovered that when I did new and adventurous things I
got my excitement and life back. After a while though, the
misery came back so I found somewhere else to go.
There were many times when I seriously thought
I was going crazy. There were times when my friends thought
I was suicidal. I decided that it was not safe to share feelings
with others because I will get into trouble if I did.
When I sought help I was told that I was “perfect”,
that it was “all in my head” or that everyone goes through
that. Just eat from all the food groups.
Finally at the age of 31 I was living alone
-what a blessing -no one to watch over me, I could do what
I wanted. This time I would be fine -I promised myself. Yet,
after overeating and bingeing on a box of little Debbie’s
and ice cream or a half a box of cereal I would run to the
cupboard for laxatives. I would pray -Dear God, if you get
me through this I promise I will never to do it again. How
many times did I break that promise?
My ways of gaining control were not working.
I would buy entire bags of binge foods, take them home and
throw them away. I would attempt to make myself throw up and
yet I couldn’t. There are so many others that can do this
better. I am such a wuss.
If people really knew how much pain I was in
they would freak out. That is one of the main reasons I could
never go through with killing myself. I was afraid of what
other people would think of me. Then on the other hand I would
think about everything I wanted to do in my life. And the
fact that I am so afraid of dying, death and life. Life would
be so much better with out food and feelings and having friends
because then they wouldn’t worry about me and I wouldn’t feel
guilty about letting them down. There was no escape now -isolated
in my living room dreading my life. I had to do something
…
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Mary Pat Nally uses her gift of poetry in hopes
to help others find their own special gifts. For more information
about Mary Pat and to read more poems, please go to www.authenticallyme.com.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Pat_Nally
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