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Is Your Child Safe From Sexual Abuse?
If you have taught your child all the rules
of ‘stranger danger’ you have protected him/her from a 1%
chance of being sexually abused. This leaves your child vulnerable
to the most likely sexual child abuse offender, family members
or other trusted adults. 80% of children are sexually abused
by a family member, 19% are abused by someone the child knows
and trusts. The other little known statistic is the frequency
of sexual child abuse. David Finkelhor and Dianna Russell’s
research reveals 62% of girls and 31% of boys will be sexually
abused by age 18. Unfortunately this statistic is considered
low due to the difficulty in gathering data through surveys
or reporting agencies.
For many decades we have screamed, ranted, condemned,
demanded and enacted legislation to punish sex offenders to
little avail. The news media and magazines have joined in
the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is
done. As a result of the media’s incessant coverage and hype
of ‘strangers,’ we have come to believe if we teach our children
about ‘stranger danger,’ we have thoroughly protected our
children from this horrific crime.
The first response we form when hearing of sexual
abuse or incest is denial. ‘I don’t have to be concerned about
that in my community. That would never happen in my family.’
The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses
children may seem very average and ordinary to the world.
Furthermore, we find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult
to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love,
and/or marry is the perpetrator of the abuse. Tragically,
the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse
perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims
and increases the likelihood that they will be abused. To
understand how sexual child abuse is perpetrated by the person
we least suspect one needs to have a comprehensive definition
of sexual abuse.
“Traditionally, incest [sexual abuse] was defined
as: sexual intercourse between two persons too closely related
to marry legally--sex between siblings, first cousins, the
seduction by fathers of their daughters. This dysfunctional
blood relationship, however, does not completely describe
what children are experiencing. To fully understand all sexual
abuse, we need to look beyond the blood bond and include the
emotional bond between the victim and his or her perpetrator.
Thus, a new definition has emerged. The new definition now
relies less on the blood bond between the victim and the perpetrator
and more on the experience of the child. Incest is both sexual
abuse and an abuse of power. It is violence that does not
require force.
Another is using the victim, treating them in
a way that they do not want or in a way that is not appropriate
by a person with whom a different relationship is required.
It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the
needs or wishes of the child; rather, it meets the needs of
the other person at the child’s expense. If the experience
has sexual meaning for another person, in lieu of a nurturing
purpose for the benefit of the child, it is abuse. If it is
unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship,
it is abuse. Incest [sexual abuse] can occur through words,
sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that
are sexual but do not involve her. If she is forced to see
what she does not want to see, for instance, by an exhibitionist,
it is abuse. If a child is forced into an experience that
is sexual in content or overtone that is abuse.
As long as the child is induced into sexual
activity with someone who is in a position of greater power,
whether that power is derived through the perpetrator’s age,
size, status, or relationship, the act is abusive. A child
who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse,
is a child who has been violated.. (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors).”
There are two types of sexual abuse approaches—overt
and covert.
Overt sexual abuse is openly sexual and apparent.
Although there may be an attempt to deny that it is abusive,
there is no attempt to hide the fact that it is sexual in
nature.
Covert sexual abuse is more insidious. Thus,
identifying it is harder, because the sexual nature of the
action is disguised. The perpetrator acts as if she/he is
doing something non-sexual, when in fact he or she is being
sexual. The betrayal then becomes two-fold. The child is not
only abused, but also tricked or deceived about the act. In
this dishonesty, the child is unable to identify or clarify
his/her perception of the experience. The unreal or surreal
sense that accompanies any sexual abuse is intensified when
the child is tricked into disbelief. Thus, the child doubts
his/her perceptions and feelings and believes that there is
something wrong with him/herself because he/she feels terrible.
To make matters worse, everyone around her/him discounts signs
of the abuse, because we don’t want to believe someone with
a sterling public image would do such a thing. Thus the child
feels crazy, as if she/he is the one with the problem.
One example of overt sexual abuse whereby the
perpetrator disguises his actions and those present are in
denial about what is transpiring is exemplified by the incident
a client, who is a sexual abuse survivor, reported seeing.
Her father (her perpetrator) kissed his granddaughter, her
one-year-old niece on the pubic area after her niece finished
her bath. Her sister, the child’s mother, the child’s grandmother
(wife of the perpetrator) were present. “My sister and mother
(the child’s grandmother) laughed and I got sick to the stomach.
Am I over reacting,” she asked. Obviously, her sister and
mother are unaware of the definition of sexual abuse. Except
for the fact this woman was in therapy she would not have
considered it sexual abuse either.
An example of covert sexual abuse by someone
we least expect is exemplified by a 39 year-old woman who
came to me after having a severe panic attack. During our
investigation as to the root cause of the panic attack she
revealed she had been ‘fondled’ when she was nine by a family
friend. “He helped me on with my coat at a family gathering.
As he adjusted my coat onto my shoulder, he fondled my breast.”
This type fondling is often times referred to as ‘coping a
feel.’ No matter the label, it is sexual abuse and causes
damage. Women know how icky it feels when a man ‘cops a feel.’
Can you imagine what it would feel like for a nine-year-old,
who has no information to comprehend and emotionally resolve
what she experienced?
Another example of covert sexual abuse by someone
you least expect was told to me by my client, Rickie (not
his real name). He remembered being held by his mother’s best
friend in the water at the beach when he was six, while his
parents sat on the beach. Fully protected from view by the
water, she fondled his penis. This was not the end of the
sexual abuse. When Rickie was 15 years old, she enticed him
to have sex with her at her home while he waited for her son,
his friend to come home. The second incident of her sexual
abuse of Rickie was overt.
There are six key techniques to abuse-proof
your child.
- Avoid spanking your child—spanking is a body boundary
violation. Perpetrators target children who have had body
boundary violations because they are less apt to protest
any unacceptable body boundary violations, are more compliant
with adults and are less apt to tell. You can avoid your
child from falling prey to these cunning perpetrators by
doing everything to avoid making your child a target.
- Avoid touching your child in erotic areas—buttocks, chest,
thighs, etc. Perpetrators state they use familiar touch
(rubbing the child’s legs, buttocks or hugging/kissing)
to desensitize the child before using touch which is sexual
in content and intent. If your child is unaccustomed to
being touched in erotic areas, he/she will protest immediately.
Protesting will either thwart the perpetrator or alert anyone
nearby that something is away.
- Teach your child self-protection by teaching him/her to
protest violation of body boundaries or unwanted touch beginning
at age two.
- Practice and teach your child good body image.
- Practice and teach your child to TELL YOU EVERYTHING,
NO SECRETS FROM MOMMY and DADDY.
- Practice and Teach Appropriate Suspicion—Trust your intuition,
(a.k.a Sixth Sense)
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About the Author:
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, If I’d Only Known…Sexual
Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes
in verbal, sexual and physical abuse prevention and recovery.
http://www.gen-assist.com/book.asp
If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of
the Family: A Guide to Prevention, has been endorsed by: Teresa
C. Chambers, Former Chief of Police, Durham, N.C. and Paul
Ragonese, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer, former
cablevision host, Safe Streets, currently CBS Crime News consultant,
and Virginia Newman Littell, NJ State Senate child advocate
and Board member.
Article Source, click
here.
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