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How to Be Supportive of a Mate
Who Has Been Sexually Abused or Assaulted
Sexual abuse or assault is arguably the most psychologically
damaging occurrence that can happen in a person's life. The
profound impact of the person abused can be seen in one or
all of the following symptoms:
Mild, moderate or severe sexual dysfunction, eating disorders,
personality and mood disorders, social phobias, intimacy and
trust issues, obsessive compulsive disorder, low self esteem,
and a variety of different addictions, just to list a few.
But not much has been discussed about the effects sexual
abuse has on the people who fall in love with a mate who has
been sexually abused or assaulted.
The object of this article is to understand your mate and
yourself better - while helping each other heal from the effects
of sexual abuse and assault.
We've touched on the painful impact sexual abuse could have
on your mate, but what about you?
Here are a few examples of what you may be experiencing:
- You may feel rage against the person who abused your
beloved, which can at times affect your peace of mind, ability
to concentrate, or sense of overall well being.
- You may have overwhelming feelings of empathy for the
pain your mate went through, and you may feel powerless,
because there is nothing you can do to take the pain away.
(There are not enough hugs and kisses in the world to make
it go away completely, but it helps!)
- You may be directly affected by your mate's behavior patterns
sexually, mentally and emotionally.
Here are several ways to be supportive of your mate who has
been affected by abuse:
1. Realize your mate is not a victim who needs your pity.
As a matter of fact, the exact opposite is true. Your mate
has survived the effects of abuse and has a tremendous amount
of strength. So, treat your mate as the strong, capable and
resilient person that they are. 2. Respect your mates "odd"
requests, even if they don't make sense to you. If your mate
gets the creeps when she feels facial hair brush against her
chin while kissing, it could be the same feeling she experienced
from her perpetrator, and it could trigger a flashback. Therefore,
you may want to shave before approaching her with a kiss.
The same holds true for touching certain areas of the body,
such as the throat or inner thighs. Or even the kind of touch
you give may be uncomfortable for your mate, who may feel
uneasy with a light and breezy touch - or the sensation of
a powerful grab.
Another example is about a good friend of mine who was sexually
abused. She always covers up with a blanket at night, no matter
how hot or cold it is inside. She leaves the television on
while sleeping at night because if it is too silent, she will
have nightmares about the abuse that happened years ago. If
my friend is like your mate, and you need to have complete
silence and darkness while you sleep, consider ear plugs and
a mask to put over your eyes. Or maybe your mate can wear
headphones. Make a list of these "odd" or "quirky" details
about your mate - and make a conscious decision to be sensitive
to those needs, no matter how irrational they may seem to
you.
3. Always respect your mate's personal boundaries. The tragic
consequence of sexual abuse is the aggressive disregard of
personal boundaries. This can range from accepting, "No" as
an answer for sexual advances - to accepting, "No" as an answer
to borrowing your mate's personal belongings. Your mate needs
you to honor their boundaries in as many ways as possible,
without whining, arguing or sulking.
4. Do not ask your mate probing questions about the abuse,
even if you are the closest person to them in the world. The
experience is too painful for them to go into explicit details
about. Your mate may feel an overwhelming sense of shame about
the abuse, even though it was never their fault. Also, if
nobody believed your mate when they came forward with information
about the abuse, or worse, if they were blamed for it, or
accused of lying, it makes the pain far greater than anyone
who has not suffered this form of treatment can imagine. However,
if your mate volunteers information about what happened, you
can make eye contact and quietly listen. You can also send
non-verbal messages, such as putting your arms around your
mates shoulder or holding their hand.
When your mate finishes talking, thank them for trusting
you enough to share (Because that was a HUGE step for them!)
Also, explain you will always be available to listen, if they
want to share again. You may also offer to go to counseling
or a support group with your mate. However don't advise your
mate to go. Just explain you trust that they know what is
best for them, and that you intend to support them 100%, regardless
of what decision is made.
5. Not everyone who has been sexually abused gets offended
by sex jokes, dirty talk, or playful name calling. But if
your mate is a person who finds this behavior distasteful,
find as many ways as possible to be polite, gentle and respectful.
6. Love your mate unconditionally. Remember trust and intimacy
can be very difficult for a person who has been sexually abused.
There is no need for you to be a doormat if your mate lashes
out at you, or pushes you away. Just explain you love them
very, very much -but that you have no intentions of being
mistreated.
If you have to distance yourself from your mate temporarily,
do it with a tremendous amount of love, not as if you are
punishing them for being mean. For instance, gently squeeze
their hand and make eye contact before leaving to go for a
long drive to cool off. Give your mate space, and allow them
to come back to you. Let it be on their terms, because they
don't want to feel like you are "forcing" them to do anything.
Send them the non-verbal message you will always love them
and you will always be there, and you should find the behavior
happening less and less often.
Sexual abuse not only affects the victim and the perpetrator,
but everyone who has a relationship with the person who is
abused. The reason why we are so attracted to our mates is
because we can see what strong, charming, beautiful and amazing
people they are, despite what happened to them in the past.
We feel inspired by our mates, and wonder how they even have
the courage to love. We question if we would have the same
courage, had the same thing happened to us. Therefore, we
love them, adore them, and do everything in our power to let
our mates know that they are safe, cared for and protected.
In turn, we become a better person. We strive harder than
a person who is in a "normal" relationship to be gentle, kind
and respectful. We learn patience, perseverance and understanding
- all for the sake of love. And this love transforms both
our mate and our self.
In closing, here are some ways you and your mate can share
your experience, strength and hope with other people in the
world who are hurting. And at the same time, you will form
a deeper bond with your mate, heal the effects of sexual abuse,
and make the world a better place:
- Volunteer for organizations that take a proactive stance
against sexual abuse and assault. For instance, protect
children's rights by being their advocate in court hearings.
- Send an anonymous donation to a non-profit dedicated
to healing the effects of sexual abuse. If such an organization
doesn't exist, create one!
- Volunteer to take calls at a crisis center / hotline.
- Join either an online community or a brick and mortar
one to congregate with other people who know exactly what
you are going through, and who have the same resolve to
do something about turning the negative experience into
a positive one.
A great way to reclaim your personal power and to not feel
so helpless about what has happened to you or your mate is
to do something in a positive direction to prevent the abuse
that is happening right now in the lives of millions on a
daily basis.
Let the horrific experience of sexual abuse, both directly
and indirectly, transform you and your mate into powerful
heroes, not helpless victims.
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About the Author:
Rhiannon Wilkinson created Lover of Love, http://www.loveroflove.com,
to inspire thousands of readers to love, just for the sake
of loving. For hundreds of articles, quotations and poetry
about the SEVEN different forms of love, visit http://www.loveroflove.com
today!
Article Source, GoArticles.com.
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