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If you are concerned about a friend or family
member who may silently struggle with an eating disorder,
it is important to remain a true friend.
Talking to this person is not an easy thing
to do. But remember, it is definitely not any easier for your
friend to talk to you about his or her eating problem.
You have to understand that sufferers with
an eating disorder are very ashamed of their behaviours and
their relationship towards food and their bodies.
They may have trouble admitting their problem
to themselves and especially to others and it can be very
difficult to help someone who denies suffering from an eating
disorder.
Don't be surprised when your friend gets mad
at you and acts defensively - it is completely normal for
someone suffering from an eating disorder to behave that way
when being confronted, especially when being confronted for
the first time.
It is crucial for you NOT to get mad at your
friend but to stay calm and nonjudgmental and to remind your
friend that you really care about him/her and how much he/she
means to you regardless of his/her weight and eating habits.
Here are some tips on how you can
provide great help and support your loved-one:
Before approaching
your friend, learn as much as you can about eating disorders in order to get a
better understanding of what your friend or family member is going through.
Talk with the person at an appropriate time and place - in private, free
from distractions.
Be prepared that the person may deny having a problem
and refuses to get help. If so, it will be important to
tell someone else about your concerns.
Tell
your friend how much you care and that he or she is not alone.
Be supportive,
understanding and calm.
Listen carefully and with an understanding and
nonjudgmental ear.
Listen carefully to what your friend says. Think about
how your friend might feel. Your friend might feel ashamed or scared. Your friend
may feel unimportant or think that life doesn't matter. Feeling out of control
also is common. Not eating or eating too much may be your friend's way of coping
with problems.
Be patient.
Honestly express your concerns.
Find
out what treatments options are available.
Gently suggest counseling.
Encourage
your friend to get help.
Offer to go to a doctor together with your friend.
Think
about attending a support group.
In a calm and caring way, tell your
friend what you saw or heard. Use "I" statements, and let your friend know that
you are concerned.
Here are some suggestions of what to say:
"I'm worried about you because you haven't eaten lunch this week."
"I'm
worried about ___ because I saw her (him) throw up on purpose/take a laxative/talk
about taking diet pills/throw away her (his) lunch."
"I heard you talking
about taking laxatives . . . (or diet pills) and that scares me."
"Are
you O.K.? Were you vomiting after lunch? I am concerned about you."
"I'm concerned about ___ because she (he) always complains about being too fat/seems
so sad/says she (he) never can do anything right."
REMEMBER: Be realistic. Successfully
dealing with an eating disorder takes time. Successful recovery
from an eating disorder IS possible!
You cannot force your
friend to get help or change his or her beliefs or behaviours. You cannot
force an anorexic to eat, a bulimic to stop vomiting, or a binge eater to stop
eating huge amounts of food. Eating disorders are not simply about food and weight
- food and weight are just being used in order to deal with emotional problems.
Avoid talking about food, weight and appearance.
Do not make
any comments on what she/he looks like.
Don't try to control your friend's
eating habits.
Avoid giving advice, it often provokes the opposite response.
(i.e. "If you would just stop overeating, you would get better." "Why
don't you just eat like a normal person?")
Don't confront your friend when other people are around.
Don't judge your
friend about what he or she is doing.
Don't say "You are crazy!"
Don't
gossip about your friend.
Don't be scared to talk with your friend.
Don't reject your friend.
Don't play the blame-game: "Why
are you doing this to me?" "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
Don't
get angry at your friend.
Avoid "you" statements like "You have to eat
something!"
Never force your friend to do anything he or she doesn't
want to do.
Don't take on the role of a therapist.
REMEMBER: Be realistic. Successfully
dealing with an eating disorder takes time. Don't expect your
friend to be "cured" after treatment. Recovery can be a long
process - but full recovery from an eating disorder IS possible!
How
My Child Recovered Through Family-Based Treatment And Yours Can Too!
Publisher: McGraw-Hill Publication Date: December 15, 2004 ISBN: 0-071-445-587
For parents of a child with an eating disorder,
the most crucial question is "What do we do now?".In this informative
book, Laura Collins shares how she and her husband discovered the answer for themselves--and
most significantly--for their anorexic fourteen-year-old-daughter. It is a chronicle
of how they applied a home-based treatment method known as "the Maudsley approach,"
a nontraditional but highly effective way to treat a disease that is well known
but largely misunderstood.
This book is a source of hope and valuable
information for parents of children with eating disorders. This is the first popular
book on an increasingly popular approach to curing eating disorders and a must-read!
It includes practical information and guidance for parents of children with eating
disorders.
One of the most-often ordered books for friends and family.
The author's discuss the psychological and behavioral aspects of eating disorders,
pharmacology, and family therapy, with an emphasis on:
bringing eating disorders out in the open,
seeking help, coping with anger and denial, developing a healthier relationship
and guidance for making the situation better—now.
Surviving
an Eating Disorder has become a classic since it was first published in 1988.
It was one of the first books to offer effective support and solutions for parents,
spouses, friends and all others who are the "silent sufferers" of eating
disorders.
Honey Does This Make My Butt Look Big? by Lydia
Hanich, MA, LMFT
A Couple's Guide to Food and Body
Talk
Publisher: Gürze Books Publication Date: December 10, 2005
ISBN: 0-936-077-247
How do couples tackle
ticklish questions like "Does this make me look fat?" or "Will you go on a diet
with me?" What does one partner say when the other loses weight and then gains
it back? Lydia Hanich has created a safe, fun guide to discussing thorny topics
such as appearance, weight, food, exercise, sexuality, and eating disorders. Each
chapter of Honey, Does This Make My Butt Look Big? presents loaded questions and
precarious everyday scenarios with corresponding "right" and "wrong" answers.
Included is a brief interpretation of the predicament along with sensible advice
about what to say, what not to say, and why. Most partners have a sincere desire
to support each other yet often unwittingly contribute to the problem rather than
the solution. With cartoon illustrations (from the Non Sequitur series by Wiley
Miller) and a healthy dose of humor, this book provides the answers to those difficult
questions.
Lydia Hanich, MA, LMFT, is licensed
psychotherapist and frequent public speaker who has specialized in eating disorders
and body image issues for over 20 years. She holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology
from the University of San Franscisco and has been certified as an Eating Disorders
Specialist through the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals.
For more information about Lydia, please go to lydiahanich.com
Parent workbook for not only helping
your child recover, but also improving your relationship, making changes, and
solving problems together.
Combining factual information, sound advice,
and written exercises, this workbook is for parents of preteens through college-aged
children who want to participate in the recovery process. Divided into three parts,
the book reflects the chronological course of disease and treatment: education
about eating disorders, taking action, exploring treatment options, and ideas
for assisting with the challenges of recovery.
Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder
by James Lock & Daniel le Grange
What you can do to
help prevent eating disorders in your kids
Publisher: HarperCollins
Publication Date: January 1, 2005 ISBN: 1-572-309-083
For
the best results, parents of teenagers must be actively involved in their child’s
recovery process, and these well-respected experts explain how.
The practical language and research-based
approach of this book make it exceptionally useful for building a united family
front, especially in conjunction with professional treatment. Presented with thought-provoking
subheadings, the book demystifies the eating disordered mindset, outlines treatment
options, clarifies parental roles, and provides effective troubleshooting tools.
Andrea's Voice - Silenced
by Bulimia Her Story and Her Mother's Journey Through Grief Toward
Understanding
by Doris Schmeltzer and
Andrea Lynn Schmeltzer
Publisher: Gurze Books Publication
Date: May 15, 2006 ISBN: 0-936-077-018
After a one-year struggle with bulimia, Andrea Smeltzer died in her sleep at
the age of 19, catapulting her mother, Doris, into a journey of self-discovery.
By combining Andrea’s poetry and journal entries, mother and daughter tell the
story together, capturing the bond that connected them. Doris’ honest exploration
of the emotional issues surrounding her daughter’s development of bulimia provide
insight and guidance not only to parents, but also to any young woman who is struggling
to find her independence.
Vibrant, talented, strong, and beautiful,
Andrea Smeltzer seemed destined for a great future. But after a one-year struggle
with bulimia, she died in her sleep at age 19, catapulting her mother Doris into
a wrenching but ultimately rewarding journey of discovery. This unabashed account
not only speaks about one family’s tragedy, but also critiques the social and
personal attitudes toward our bodies and appearance that create victims like Andrea.
Andrea's poetry and journal entries, combined with her mother's reflections, offer
insight and understanding about a crushing disorder that afflicts far too many
young people.
Eating with
Your Anorexic - A supportive place for parents with eating disordered children
- How one family learned to treat a daughter's anorexia nervosa with a medicine
universally available: food. Plus some love, common sense, and a few laughs.
Empowered Parents
- from the author of "When Your Child Has an Eating Disorder: A Step-By-Step
Workbook for Parents and Other Caregivers" - is an interactive site that
educates, motivates, and counsels parents in their effort to prevent or heal an
eating disorder in their child.
Eating-Disorder-Information.com is sponsored by "You
Are Not
Alone (Vol 1 + 2) - The Books of Companionship for
Women with Eating Disorders" - inspiring collections
of personal recovery stories, poems and artwork from
women who are either in strong recovery or fully recovered.
Legal Notice: The content
of this and other sections of the Eating-Disorder-Information.com
website is intended only for broad, general information, and
should not replace one-on-one therapy with a trained professional.
As with all health-related issues, please refer to your personal
physician, dietician, counselor or therapist for a full evaluation
and to determine the best course of treatment. Eating-Disorder-Information.com
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or otherwise, that may be incurred as a consequence, directly
or indirectly, in the use or application of any contents of
this web site.
Recovery really is possible - also for you!
You Are Not Alone, Vol 2 (plus FREE Companion
CD) - The Book of Companionship for Women with Eating
Disorders
Inspiring collection of personal recovery stories,
poems, artwork, and song lyrics by women who are either
in recovery or fully recovered from an eating disorder.
Foreword by Dr.Anita Johnston (author
of Eating in the Light of the Moon)
RECOVERY MUSIC Also included in the book is the You Are Not
Alone Companion CD filled with healing songs by
women who are either fully recovered or in strong recovery
from an eating disorder.
Profits
are donated to eating disorder help and support organizations
to help raise awareness and help others in their recovery.
You Are Not Alone
is a proud sponsor of the
Recovery Buddies Project, the Joy Project, and MentorCONNECT.